


Deserving

by The_Jashinist



Category: DCU
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, POV First Person, Possibly Unrequited Love, References to Depression, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28303905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Jashinist/pseuds/The_Jashinist
Summary: A short one-shot of Constantine reflecting on his feelings for a certain villain.
Relationships: John Constantine/Jonathan Crane
Kudos: 3





	Deserving

He doesn’t deserve it. I know that, and I want to walk away. I know what’s going to happen, because it’s happened every single time before. It always seems so nice at first like the curse hanging over my head might skip its newest victim.

But it never lasts.

I keep imagining some world where running works. It would be so much simpler, a world where running didn’t land me right back where I started, looking into his cold blue eyes, trying to figure out if he looks hungry out of attraction, or out of malice. Loving him is like staring down a hungry wolf and not knowing how tame it is. That would be poetic, wouldn’t it? Loving the monster infecting your mind and ripping out your innards, accepting death because at least it means he doesn’t have to die.

None of them had to die.

I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s like an infection, in that way. I try to think of something else and he comes circling back. Little flashes mostly, the way his hair curls, the throaty quality of his laugh, that slow drawl that hangs at the back of his voice, tinging his words with the feeling of a porch swing and a humid sunset. I wonder if he makes a poet out of everyone that looks at him. I wonder if he knows how annoying it is to look at a cheeky smile on a pretty face and have three metaphors pop into your head.

I wish I could tell him, but every time I consider it, something stops me short. What if he doesn’t believe me? What if he does and runs?  _ Good _ , I want to think,  _ if he runs, he’ll be safe _ .

If he runs, I’ll be alone.

No matter how I spin this I’m being selfish. If I push him away, I’m not sparing his life, am I? I’m sparing my heart from seeing his corpse, from holding it, if I’m even given the opportunity to do that. If I pull him close, I damn him, I damn us, I damn every chance he has left of being happy. He deserves to be happy after all the shit he’s been through, even after all he’s done.

He deserves joy and kindness.

He doesn’t deserve me.

**Author's Note:**

> You all wanted pain for Christmas, right?


End file.
